Normally, you’re cool and collected – a smart and articulate guy with plenty of attractive qualities and a robust package to boot. BUT, when Suzie McHotleggs or Jenna Titiwinkle walks in the room, everything changes. When you try and walk, you end up tripping over your own feet. When you try and speak, you begin to sweat and sputter like a honey-roasted pig on a spit. If you’ve been experiencing these symptoms, you may suffer from Hot Girl Syndrome. As a hot girl, I can assure you that you are not alone.

Much like many of the unpleasant sexual diseases roaming about the nether regions of this country, HGS is a treatable ailment that afflicts millions of men every year. And sadly, there are a number of unfortunate myths that surround this problem. For example, HGS is not a symptom or characteristic that can be attributed solely to the “shy” guy. You see, shy guys have difficulty approaching and interacting with women at all ends of the hotness spectrum. Rather, HGS is a function of a perfectly normal male whose penis kicks into overdrive upon encountering Jenna Titwinkle in her low-cut, chenille top and systematically shuts down all other basic body functions deemed unnecessary for cleavage viewing.

Another common myth is that HGS is infectious. Not so. Just because you act like a blithering dumbass in front a woman, doesn’t mean your friends will bomb as well. Translation – more competition so you better get your act together. So how exactly do you approach this girl with the same creamy smoothness as Yoplait’s new chocolate mousse style yogurt? (Note: That was not a paid product placement, that stuff is damn good shit.)

1. Use Protection. The first thing to do when encountering extreme hotness is to
create a condom-like wall of safety between her and your slobbering foolishness. Meaning, if it’s just the two of you in a quiet space it’s like a magnifying glass on all your little insecure twitches. Take the attention off you by pointing out somebody else in the room or something in the sky outside. Distract her with a drink or snack so that there are breaks in the conversation where you can take a breather and get your wits together.

2. Tickle Her Achilles Heal. Even the hottest of women have their faults. Big ears. Crooked teeth. Third nipple. Make sport of looking for her fault during your conversation and it will take some of the pressure off the moment. Then, if you can figure it out in time, be sure to point it out! Tell her that her smile is sexy or that you have a fetish for Dumbo ears. Making her feel good about her point(s) of weakness is a top-notch score her tactic.

3. Gang Up On Her: If she’s too much woman to handle on your own, try talking to her with a buddy (preferably a less attractive and more socially apt friend). Or even better, get yourself a wingwoman or two that will praise your fine qualities and hardy package. They’ll do the sales pitch and all you have to do is close the deal.

*This article is dedicated to Teri Hatcher because Teri is the Queen Hotness.