Why is it so difficult to find a good woman? And for that matter, a good relationship? It’s the question on the mind of every warm-blooded male who’s sick of screwing his brains out and wants to settle down with a nice gal. These days, it seems like the search for “the one” is infinitely harder than the search for the one-night stand.

For the answer to the modern struggle to find love and marriage, we must harken back to the caveman days when sports meant chasing your dinner down with a dead animal skin draped about your shoulders and fantasy football had not yet been born (gasp).

Times were much simpler then. Caveman could club a woman, grunt, and claim her as his wife. In one such happy union, fate stepped in and changed things forever. One day, when strolling around the brush with his wife, Caveman caught sight of Cavewoman B bathing nude in the swamp water. As can only be expected, he gave new meaning to the name Homo Erectus - a fact that angered Cavewoman A, his wife. Thus, was the birth of jealousy.

A latent biological urge kicked in for the spurned Cavewife. She was tired of staying home with their runts and doing all the cave chores, only to get ignored by her mate. She was going to take action – she grabbed the sharpest rock she could find and removed the snarly hair from her legs, arms and nether regions. Did caveman take notice? You bet he did! Three times in one night.

But, he wasn’t the only one that noticed. Cavewoman B began to wonder why her man wasn’t stopping by the swamp anymore to grunt wildly while she slathered in swamp water. Cavewoman B figured out what his Cavewife was up to and took action of her own – she figured out how to combine the extracts of berries and hibiscus to change the color of her hair to a fiery red.

After a few days, Cavewoman A realized that her man had wandered back to the swamp. Her jealousy grew and with that her competitive drive. She dreamed up a plan to bathe in lavender root so she wouldn’t smell like dinosaur piss, much like CaveSkank B. And so on, and so on. . .

The battle between women to look better, sexier, and thinner has been escalating for centuries. Jealousy and competition fueled massive innovation in the beauty and weight loss industries. Waxing, hair color, body washes, teeth whitening, weight loss programs, botox, face cream, make-up, tweezing. As women found new, more expensive and painful ways to improve their looks (and minds) over time, men pretty much stayed the same - slightly overweight, hairy, hunched over and covered in some cheap piece of cloth. A few of the enlightened men caught on – we endearingly call them metrosexuals.

But for many men, it’s gone too far. Women have evolved to a point where they either don’t need a man to feel good about themselves (because they have cosmetic surgery and vibrating sex toys), or they just can’t find a man that will meet their relatively high standards. But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Women, high-standards and all, can easily be won over with a simple grunt from the right caveman.