She’s a long-legged, highly flexible, dark-haired vixen with an ass that just won’t quit. You are a stubby, prematurely balding, triple-chinned ogre. Does it ever make you wonder, is my honey just here for my money? It used to be that a buxom young lass could marry the rich and wrinkled, do three years hard labor and live happily ever after stinking rich. However, ever since Anna Nicole Smith ruined everything, the jig is up. Now, women who want to live the high life on looks alone have to settle for the younger, aesthetically challenged and charismatically impotent. How do you protect your assets from the heartless shrew that will suck your wallet dry? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Does she light up when you give her flowers and a card? Or, just when you give her diamonds and a car?
2. How would she respond if you told her you just realized all your stock was in Enron and now you are completely broke, broke.
3. Does she think fur grows on trees, just like your endless supply of money?
4. When you’re paying the bill, does she even move a finger to reach for her purse? Or, does she not even bother to shove a few dollars between her heaving cleavage?
5. Has she had any previous boyfriends that mysteriously fell down an open well or uncovered manhole?
6. Does she bat her eyelashes and pout when she sees a ridiculously overpriced pair of shoes that she just can’t live without because 300 just isn’t enough to wear a different pair every day of the year? And you give in.
7. Does she get all turned on when you tell her your salary or whip out your wad of bills?
8. Can she say, “I love you” without giggling like a schoolgirl, crossing her fingers or averting her eyes?
9. Did she quit her lucrative job as head waitress at Hooters after your first date?
10. When she greets you, does she say: “Is that your wallet? Because I’m happy to see you!”