If there's any hint that God could be a woman, look no further than Valentines. From the pink and red colors and hearts to the excessive advertising of jewelry, chocolates, flowers, stuffed animals and cards – Valentines has the stench of chick all over it. What the hell are anniversaries for if not a special day to celebrate your love?

To understand the inequity of Valentines we must harken back to the origins of this dreaded day. Apparently, some priest named St. Valentine who lived in 270A.D. defied authority and married young lovers in a time when marriage was banned – or at least that's what they want you to think. 'They' meaning the entire race of women in cahoots with Hallmark Enterprises and the jewelers of the world. Did you know that total Valentines spending in 2006 is expected to exceed 13 billion dollars!

What really happened was a long time ago there lived a chick named Val who dated an average fellow named Chuck. Like most women, Val could never be satisfied. Oh, Chuck tried his best to always demonstrate his affection, prove his love, say the right thing -- but somehow, he always fell short. One day, Chuck had a rare stroke of genius. He would fabricate a day entirely onto Val that would be devoted to his love for her. He would shower her with sweets and poems and jewels until she was rendered numb and speechless for the entire year. Val was in fact struck speechless – for a moment – then she bragged to all her girlfriends. These girlfriends in turn wanted – nay, demanded -- that they get the same treatment. And hence, Valentines Day was born.

So, why don't the guys get their own version of Valentines? Yeah, there's Super bowl Sunday, but it's not like all the girlfriends have the same requirement to stock up the fridge, cook up some grub, arrange the snacks, and serve endless mugs of ice cold lager in Swedish maiden outfits. I can see it now. . .it would be called Johns Day. A glorious day when all toilet seats must be left in the upright position, happy hour goes all day long, and women bring endless gifts of golf clubs and electronics in Swedish maiden outfits.

But, until that grand day comes, men of the world that want to get their jollies on must grin and bear it. Hang in there fellas – one day, Johns Day won't just be a pipe dream.

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Valentines Day Survivor's Guide